i don’t know why i wrote this in english. i guess it’s because i cannot really type down the chinese word for dying right now because it feels so real and strong that it would put me in a horrible whirlwind of emotion. so i crawled back to the language that is farther from my mind and cognition, as if by doing this will mitigate the harm caused by the abrupt death of my cat.
Rachael died and it just makes everything less endurable.
i wasn’t there when she passed away, my bf told me she’s already passed the stage of being saved. her kidney was not functioning for a long time and what the vets recommended to to is to euthanise and put her out of unnecessary pain.
so it happened. 2 shots it took, one to put her in coma, the other to stop her heartbeat. i learnt about it through a phone call 3 or 4 hours later, only then was bf able to call me.
it just, made everything such a nonsense. why couldn’t i be there when this happened, why do i have to move out of switzerland at all, why do i have no rights to work in the place where my bf and my cat live and not able to take care of her, why can’t i call my parents when i am devastated like this? oh it’s because of time difference, i am in this country 7 hours away from the place i was born and i left there because that country is just fucking unendurable for me.
so to leave one unendurable place leads me to another even more unendurable position, how is that fair.
i don’t really ask these questions before this. i tended to accept things, knowing better than to be angry and on top of my head to make things more chaotic. but rachael died how can anything be worse right now. if i travelled this far to pursue some so-called freedom and peace then why do i have so little control on everything, why does this have to happen and why i find myself in this helpless position.
why is this world doing this to me. and her.
i also hate myself for being so pretentious and in fact still being able to put this together as a post. But I also don’t know without writing this how i come to peace with myself and whatelse can i do to grieve her. I’m so sorry racheal i hope you didn’t go through terrible pain, i love you so much and i miss you so much and i’m so so so sorry.